Plain Talk from Skratchy

from sevral emails..

Ah yes the universal truth, LOVE. Everybody falls in love sometime, everybody needs somebody sometime (I know someone famous sang that, I just can't remember who). All of us have been in LOVE at one point. Love, Amor, Amour, Liebe, Amore, call it what you want, it happens. But nobody could fall in Love like a Trini. We have stages of love and yuh boy goin to elaborate the schematics of this ting call love:

STAGE 1 - BAZODEE - Pronounced (Bah-Zoh-Deeeeeeeeee)

The boy meets the girl and buterflies fill his stomach. Every touch is electric, every glance is dramatic, he lingers on her every word. The sun reflecting off the morning dew reminds him of the way her eyes twinkle when the moonlight catches them. The time away seems like an eternity and when he sees her nothing else matters. He calls everyday and brings flowers on every date, he even writes her name on the back of his work pass so she will always be close to his heart.

STAGE 2 - Tutoulbay - Pronounced (Tut-ool-bay)

The girl's boss complains that she takes to many personal calls on the company phone, so the boy buys her a cell phone and pays the bill too. He doesnt want her tainted and ogled by the miscreants on the Maxi-Taxi so he decides to drop her to work and pick her up every day. This poses a dilema beacause she works further than him. No Problem. He picks her up at home and gives her the car, so she drops him to work and keeps the car for the day. His friends dont exist anymore because she said that they are too crass and he drinks too much during the week. He takes her shopping and holds the bags, he even sits on the benches in the middle of the mall while she has her Mani/ Pedi/ Hair day. Oh yes AMORE!!

STAGE 3 - Tabanca - Pronounced (Tah-Bank-Ahhhhhhhh)

So one day while she's shopping in Pennywise and he is sitting outside in the car waiting, he notices that she left her phone (which he bought and still pays bills for) by the hand brakes. Curiousity wins, he picks it up, 'New Message'.... yuh boy cyah help it, he read the message. 'Yesterday was great. Same time tommorow. Your body is HOTT'.....But what de Muddah #@$%??? Who de fokk texting my woman so? Cigarette light up one time. The vein on the forehead start to bulge. Leg shaking like dat. She returns from Pennyise and tries to hand him his Credit Card. 'Who de fokk is Andre, where he see you yesterday and how de fokk he know yuh body hot??' she reels for a second...'Oh Andre.....am he is my trainer...at the gym and he was commenting on my progress, you know i go to the gym to look good for you baby'.....yuh hear lie!!!....

So yuh boy calm dong, or so she thinks. Ah fellah called Cudjoe (for you Trinis that don't know, Cudjoe is a Private Detective Agency, yes we have dat in Trinidad). Cudjoe follow she for a week and reports to Mr. Loverman. 'Sir she has been going to the gym, TO PICK UP ANDRE, and then they proceded to Econo Guest House (before Jo Sing Pasta in Kelly.... I Think LOL) they spent 2 hours and then she came to pick you up.'

WHAT DE MUDDAH #@$%!!!!! As she reach is cuss...'Yuh fokkin hoe, gimme meh damn phone!', PASHAW (Trinidadian Onomatapia for the sound of something breaking) the phone hit the ground. 'Ah goh kill yuh Muddah #@%$, after all i do for you, dat is how u go repay me???.' 'But honey..' she attempts to speak. 'Doh fokkin honey me, i know bout you and Andre and fokkin Econo Guest house'.........she breaks down in tears 'You were smothering me, i found comfort in Andre's arms, I need space'....'Space??' he fires back 'Is Muddah #@$% space yuh want?? Yuh is a fokkin astronaut??'....she begins to cry uncontollably.

Meanwhile the Rapid Response 999 vehicle noticed the comotion, one time they done assume he ress a cut ass on she. Of course she cyah stop cryin so she can't confirm or deny the allegation( conveniently). Is jail in he ass!!!


STAGE 4 - Foofooloomps - Pronounced (Fou-Fou-Loumps)

After a good cut ass from the police followed the next morning by sincere apologies for the 'misunderstanding'. He sits at home, calls in sick for work for two weeks. Radio is stuck on 97 (Love Hurts by Nazereth is playing). The man doh answer no calls. He stop shaving and bathing, only on a have to must to basis. He tried calling her 4,345,876 times everyday to say he sorry and he want to make back up. She mother change the home number. Das it!!!

He pick up the SHARP CD player and he gone. There he stands baring his soul playing 'Baby Come Back - Vanessa Hudgens'. The window cracks, his heart leaps, a shadow appears....it's Andre and he is informed that a restraining order was taken out and the police are on the way. Not wanting the same royal treatment from the cops, he exits stage left. He was last seen on Curepe Junction drinking a bottle of Bay Rum singing 'Baby Come Back.......